In this episode, we discuss the importance of self-compassion and how it can lead to improved overall well-being and mental health. We also explore the negative effects of self-criticism and negative self-talk and provide actionable steps for...
In this episode, we discuss the importance of self-compassion and how it can lead to improved overall well-being and mental health. We also explore the negative effects of self-criticism and negative self-talk and provide actionable steps for cultivating self-compassion in your daily life.
Here are the key takeaways from the episode:
Here are some additional tips for incorporating self-compassion into your daily life:
If you're struggling with negative self-talk and self-criticism, it's important to remember that you're not alone. Incorporating self-compassion into your daily life can take time and effort, but with practice, you can start to change the negative dialogue in your head and treat yourself with the kindness and understanding that you deserve.
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Zach: [00:00:00] You do everything for everyone and never seem to have energy left to care for yourself. As a result, every mistake you make is monument. And you verbally attack yourself throughout the day until you're finally beaten into submission and believe all the terrible things you say to yourself.
Jeremy: To someone like you. Self-compassion may seem like a foreign concept, but it's actually a vital component of our emotional and mental wellbeing. In this episode we'll explore the benefits of self-compassion and provide actionable steps for cultivating this valuable.
Zach: Jeremy, I'm really disappointed that you just can't get the things done that you say you're gonna do, the 8,000 things you say you're gonna do, and I just. So disappointed in you. I mean, really, [00:01:00] what the fuck is wrong with you? Like you must be a horrible person, is what I say to myself
Jeremy: I was gonna say Dad
Zach: day. That's what I say to myself all the time when I don't get all the things done that I plan to do, and, and granted I stack it really high and I make it unachievable, and then when I don't get. I get really pissed off at myself and I call myself names and I talk really negative to negatively to myself and I, and I lose that self-compassion and man that, I mean, that'll send me down a rabbit hole.
I dunno about you.
Jeremy: that's where I'm at. I've, I've been, uh, trying to get more and more organized. I, I create my to-do list. I set, , my sights on things that are way out of reach. and I'm getting better. So here's the thing. I've actually been doing some work on this the last few months, uh, with a, with a workshop that I've been participating in.
And that voice, the one that you just very painfully and articulated, uh, painfully articulated for [00:02:00] everyone to hear that voice for me has actually gotten quieter. The feeling that comes with it still comes up, but because of all the things we've talked about here, all the different tools that we've used to sort of quiet that voice and the work that I'm doing on my own outside.
It's kind of weird how much I'm not hearing that voice anymore. I'll notice that feeling sort of like, right, like the upper part of my chest. I'll be like, oh, there's that, like you are a piece of shit thing. But I don't, I don't hear the voice as much anymore because I've been engaging in an activity to sort of move energy more and to, to give space for it to breathe and get it out rather than letting it , basically feed on that pain in my chest and become the voice in my head that says, well, of course you piece.
How, how did you ever think you were gonna do anything? Well,
Zach: Yeah. And what is that that you've been practicing? Tell.
Jeremy: well, so I've been participating in a, um, a, a, a monthly workshop. It's based in this, uh, methodology modality, I guess called core energetics. And it [00:03:00] is, I'm, I am no expert, so if, if, if anyone knows what I'm talking about and I get this painfully wrong, please forgive me. But the idea basically is that trauma is energy that's stored in our.
and we attach all these stories and all these things that happen in our lives to outward events. And we hang on to all this stuff in our body, but we don't give it space to breathe. We don't give it, , anywhere to get out of our body. And so, you know, we engage in, in this various activities, various, uh, exercises that.
Get you to stop running your mouth about the story. You, oh, when I was seven, this happened. Oh, and then the trauma when I was a teenager and then I was bullied. Ba, ba, all this crap that we just live in. And it just goes enough. Go to the feeling. What is that? What is that feeling? What does it want to do?
And in some cases, it wants to lay down and cry. In some cases it wants to be held. In some cases it wants to take a big stick and beat the shit outta something. In some cases it wants. Just, just [00:04:00] push. So like somebody will hold a mattress and you'll just like, push as hard as you can against that mattress just to like physically move that energy out of your body.
And so I've been doing more and more of this every month with a, with a group of, uh, of other people participating and it's incredibly healing work and I, it's really remarkable how quickly I went from, starting it, working with the practitioner. Sharing with her that voice that we just heard so well,
Jeremy: how she was like, you've gotta find a way to shut that off.
You've gotta get that out so that that voice doesn't have a place to live in your head. And I actually just, at the last session I went to, I had, I, I shared with her. I was like, it's so weird. I still feel the feeling
Jeremy: not as much as I did a couple of months ago, but I still feel it. But the voice has been noticeably.
Other than the, the day that I went to the last one, I woke up, I was, I had to travel down to Seattle to go, uh, to go to it. Got up in the morning, opened my toiletry bag, and realized I forgot my [00:05:00] toothbrush. And the voice started. It was you stupid piece of shit. How could you, what a fucking, what kind of an idiot forgets his fucking toothbrush.
Like, it just, but it, but as quickly as the voice came, I went, or. , you worked until the minute you had to walk out the door. Had 45 things to shove into the car. We're on a tight deadline to get where you needed to go. So of course, something fell through the cracks. You're a fucking human being.
It's okay to fuck up every now and then. And just that moment of compassion, shut that voice up and allowed me to just proceed and move forward and go, yeah, it's okay. No big deal. You forgot a toothbrush. Guess what? There's a spare in the drawer. And there was so.
Zach: Yeah. Or there's a store right around the
Jeremy: Yeah, exactly. I'm not, you know, , I don't have to go for a 45 minute drive to a store to get a toothbrush.
Zach: That's, that's awesome. I still hear the voice pretty loudly in my head. I have done a lot of work to like interrupt it though. So when it does start to go, I. Very [00:06:00] quickly say, would you say that to somebody you love? And I usually picture my daughter and I'm like, would you say that exact same thing to your daughter?
And the answer is always no. And then I kind of just like picture myself as my own kid, you know, the, the picture that I have of myself as a, as a, a little boy and I'm just like, Hey, I also wouldn't say it to you. And, and then actually, you know what? This, you're okay. We have evidence that you've done something like this in the past and it wasn't nearly as bad.
And actually you are human. You are gonna make mistakes. And you know what, now you're gonna learn from it and it's okay. It's all okay. No one's dying here. So, , I, yeah, I would love to quiet the voice, but I definitely still hear it full volume. But I've been able to jump in front of it before it goes down that next rabbit hole of sadness and depression and just, you know, total piece of shit.
Jeremy: Your, your, uh, exercise of talking to the childhood version of you is an [00:07:00] interesting one for me because I've, I've been trying to do it in, in, in this work that I've been doing recently. Uh, I made a realization that I, I kept trying to look at that kid and go, it's okay. You're just a kid. Like, everything's gonna be fine.
It's all right. But I, I realized very recently looking at that kid, that that's when I started hating. . And so I would see that kid who would then look in the mirror and go, you stupid piece of shit. Nobody loves you, you're not worth anything. You can't do anything, right? Blah, blah, blah. You know what? We're talking like second, third grade.
Jeremy: And so I would look at that picture and that same feeling comes up of little worthless piece of shit. I can't believe you. You can't do anything, right? What's wrong with you? And so I was talking to the facilitator of this work that I'm doing, and she was, and she, it was one of those moments, it was one of the, it kind of reminds me of like a, Gary, John, Bishop, uh, sort of school of get your shit together, where she just simply said, we do have choices we can make, you can choose differently in how you feel about that kid.
And sort of the, the responsibility that I felt to [00:08:00] like fix. It was massive and I think honestly like just, I'm sort of realizing this now. I've also been doing like trying to just show up better as a dad through this work that I'm doing. And I'm trying to be more like extra, more intentional with my kids and extra, more putting them first and offering that compassion where for the longest time it was like, God, guys, why can't you adjust?
Would you just do the thi I've asked you five times, can you adjust? I'm trying to just approach that differently, and I think it's all rooted in this, in this compassion that I'm trying to give myself this, this space to acknowledge the pain that's stuck in there and has been for pretty much my entire life, and exploring this new way to move it has really quieted that voice and allowed me to now think differently and to feel differently because I'm not spending so much time battling that voice or.
Agreeing with it, [00:09:00] frankly, and, and allowing it to, to drive my decisions.
Zach: Yeah. And I, I will have to say, I mean, it's been years since I first read the book, uh, self-Compassion by Kristen Neff, and, and I've been practicing that for. God, almost seven or eight years since I first realized that I talked negatively about myself. And even though like I like you, you've quieted the voice, I can interrupt it and I can stop myself from going down that road.
Like what a huge difference that makes in the psych, in my own psyche anyway, like it makes me able to get through the day. I mean, I stretch myself really, really, really thin and I have a lot of reasons. To call myself a piece of shit every day. Literally like as, as soon as I wake up I'm like, oh, I should go back to bed.
I shouldn't get up and go to the gym. You piece of shit. Get up. Like, there's always reasons to do it and I, and I have 'em all day. but I cannot tell you, like looking back [00:10:00] at when it was always that voice, when it was always the voice calling me a piece of shit. The, the depression holes, the anxiety, the all the things.
That brought me back to the trauma of childhood,
by having that voice, it was, it was pretty gnarly. It was really gnarly. And I have to say that today it's so much better. So I'm not saying like, you know, you can change this overnight, but putting a little effort and focus into quieting that voice or interrupting that voice and not going down that rabbit hole, I honestly can make 180 degree difference in your.
Jeremy: Yeah. And, and it is very difficult, especially how well worn that path is in your brain to go straight to that voice and, and to tell yourself that. I, I'm curious though, what you said about the, uh, piece of shit, get outta, get outta bed and go to the gym. Does the voice work sometimes? Does it, does it, uh, push you in the right direction?
Zach: Every now and again, every now and again it does, but I'd still correct myself [00:11:00] right. If I have a morning where I'm like, ah, you piece of shit, just get up, go. I'll stop myself and be like, no, no, no, no, you're not a piece. You're not a piece of shit. You are gonna go to the gym and because you're gonna go to the gym, you're not a piece of shit.
Jeremy: So it, so it's the spark that ignites the flame that, uh, I'll finish, finish the Star Wars quote for me. The spark that ignites the flame. Oh, I forget the rest of it.
Zach: I can't remember. I just watched episode three, uh, the other day and was just blown away by how it is the absolute worst Star Wars movie ever. And it is probably the best plot line.
Jeremy: Oh, but we digress.
Zach: [00:12:00] So if anyone's really wondering like, what, you know, what can I do? How can I do this differently? What, what, what are some of the things that I could do to have more self-compassion? It's literally just talking to yourself kindly. Like you would somebody else in my earlier example where I pretend to say the same things to my, my daughter, what would you say to somebody you love?
You would encourage them. You would say, great job. Nice try. No, you're not a piece of shit. You're, you're just human. Say those things to yourself, like literally say them out loud. Find a quiet place so nobody looks at you crazy. Find a place and say them out loud to yourself. Say them in your head. It, it's really just as simple as whatever you have been saying about yourself in your head.
Say the opposite. Encourage yourself like you would encourage somebody you love. That's one. I mean, it's as simple as that. That's one of the steps you can take.
Jeremy: And to that point, and we've talked about this on the show before, that voice in your head is, is just thoughts. Your [00:13:00] thoughts are not who you are. They're, they're an experience that you have. So if you can find some room to separate yourself from those thoughts, put those thoughts in an imaginary friend in the chair next to you, and imagine them saying those things to you.
Would you tolerate your friend sitting there calling you a piece of shit? I mean, maybe if it's being recorded for a podcast, sure. But otherwise you'd tell that person to shove it up their ass, right? So finding some space, which gets me to the second point I wanna bring here is that that tiny, tiny window, Of time between external events and our reaction to them.
Sometimes it's, it feels instantaneous, but there's always a gap. There's always some moment where you can pause, take a breath, and that, you know, analyze what, what is really happening here, what is the truth, what is the evidence of the story I'm about to tell? And if you can give yourself that gap and react more appropriately.
You have a better chance at changing that [00:14:00] dialogue. You have a better chance at changing the voice and, and the things that it says to you. And that comes, I mean, honestly, we talk about this all the time too, but it comes through the act of meditation. It comes through whatever meditation is for you that just taking that time to give yourself space to think and to to just allow.
And when you are more practiced in it, when those events happen that trigger you, when you realize you've left your toothbrush, you know, three hours. When you take that moment and just go, oh wait, no, I'm just a person that made a mistake. That's okay. Everyone does that every day. It's not the, it's not the last mistake I'll make today meditation is, is the going to the gym that allows for that muscle to be strong enough to help you control those voices.
Zach: Yeah. And we are all so used to. Saying these negative things, this, and I, this happens at work with like new managers who, don't want to have to give bad feedback. They don't wanna have to say anything negative to [00:15:00] people. And I tell them all the time, why don't you practice giving people good news?
Why don't you practice giving them positive feedback before you have to go to the negative stuff? And I'm gonna say the same thing here. When you're not in a situation where you're giving yourself negative talk,
Zach: just practice, be like, man, you're really good at brushing your teeth. You know that like, you know you don't, haven't really had many cavities. The dentist always says it looks pretty good. You're really good at brushing your teeth. Yeah, I forgot my toothbrush though. But you're good at brushing your teeth. Like just little things.
Practice saying those little things. , and it'll, it'll wear the other path. So when you've gotta choose between the two, you can go down one that's also worn and you can go down an easier path.
Jeremy: And to that point, the more that you practice doing difficult things, The more that when faced with a difficult challenge, the more prepared you'll be to do it. This is again, to make the gym analogy like, you know, I don't go to the [00:16:00] gym when I'm exhausted and tired and facing a threat and, and need to move my body quickly.
I go and things are fine so that I can train my body so that when the emergency comes up or when I need to run down the trail and chase my daughter for 10 minutes cuz we're playing a game that would otherwise exhaust. , like that's, that's what it is. It's all training. It's putting yourself through the strenuous activities, putting yourself through the stress.
When times are calm, when times are are, are easier, so that you are better prepared when you need to step up and when you need to perform in, in a more urgent matter, like reacting to your own thoughts in some cases.
Zach: Yeah, and I gotta say, there is nothing like being a parent to throw you down the road of calling yourself a
Jeremy: Oh yeah, I'm, I, I mean, I, I might have to arm, arm wrestle you on this one, but I'm pretty sure I'm the king of piece of shit parents when, when I listen to the voice in my head,
Zach: Uh, no, I won't, I won't even challenge you on it because Yeah, you probably are worse.
Zach: Absolutely. No, I, but it is, uh, every single decision I make as a parent has the potential for not being compassionate with myself, uh, and, and a lot of times goes down that road. So to anyone who's a parent, Practice this, this makes a huge difference. Like they are kids, they're resilient.
Like you are not screwing them up as bad as you think you are. Uh, well, maybe in my case or your case, definitely your
Jeremy: definitely Mike.
Zach: man. I know, I hear that voice a lot. When, when it comes to parenting.
Zach: And so for all of you parents, including I, I guess including you,
Jeremy: I guess.
Zach: you're doing a great job. You're doing wonderful. You're doing great.
Jeremy: Thanks, man.
I guess you're doing okay too? I don't know, maybe.
Zach: So being compassionate with yourself literally can improve your overall wellbeing and mental health. It can take away negative emotions such as stress, anxiety, depression, and keep you from going down [00:18:00] that dark hole
Jeremy: and you know, some of the ways we talked about doing that is literally just practice, right? Like changing that voice in your head. Practicing using the kinder, gentler language with yourself. Especially when you know, you don't have to face, when you don't have to go, when you don't have to butt up against the dark voices.
Like especially practice when times are good, , engaging in mindful self-compassion exercises like, uh, like meditation, like we've mentioned. It's just, it's, it's that working that muscle in your mind. It's like going to the gym is one way to help manage that. And if you're anything like me, it's, you know, when you screw up, when you've made some mistake, when something's gone wrong, when something difficult didn't go your way, then it's super easy to let that voice take over and tell you what a piece of crap you are and, and how huge of a failure you are.
if you can build a body of evidence that says otherwise, if you can establish wins, if you can do hard things, do them intentionally and overcome them and give yourself all of that evidence that says you're not a piece. It becomes a lot easier to listen to that kinder, gentler voice
Zach: So, it may seem really simple, but [00:19:00] just being positive with yourself, talking to yourself positively, it really can impact your happiness, your contentment, your resilience, and your ability to bounce back from difficult situations. about it this way. Every time you talk about yourself negatively, your self-esteem goes down.
And no one really argues that fact that you lose confidence when you are negative with yourself. But the opposite is true as well. If you're positive with yourself, if you're good to yourself, if you're practicing self-compassion and being positive with yourself, your confidence in your self-esteem will go up.
It'll take time. And with a little luck, maybe the negative self-talk and the positive self-talk will balance each other out and even. You'll be talking more positively about yourself than you are negatively, and your confidence will build. This all takes time, so be compassionate with yourself when you're going through this process, but literally this one [00:20:00] little thing over time can change your whole mindset, , increase your confidence, your happiness, and change your whole perspective on life.
Jeremy: all right. Well, I hope this advice that we have shared with you that we are, I think in some ways giving to each other and to ourselves. I hope it has been helpful for you for more advice like this, we hope you will subscribe to our newsletter.
You can do that through our website. And that is the fit mess.com and that's where we'll be back in just a few days with a brand new. Thanks for listening.
Zach: See everyone. God, you are a piece of
fucking work. Like brilliance, brilliance, brilliance.