This question has been on my mind a lot lately. As I look around at male role models, media depictions of masculinity, and my own upbringing, I often feel confused about what is expected of me as a man. The traditional ideals of manhood - strong, stoic, the breadwinner, handy with tools, not showing vulnerability - don’t always ring true.
From a young age, I absorbed rigid messaging about “appropriate” masculine behavior. Certain emotions and ways of being were labeled as weak or feminine. Male bonding often involves aggression, competitiveness, and lack of emotional intimacy. This promoted a sense of shame whenever I didn’t live up to these unrealistic standards.
Of course, positive traits like responsibility, courage, and resilience were part of the picture too. But it was an all-or-nothing package deal. You couldn’t pick and choose which aspects of masculinity felt right for you as an individual. And anything outside the “man box” was off-limits.
These expectations didn’t resonate with my true self. Suppressing emotions and vulnerability created inner turmoil and mental health issues. I longed for deeper connections but didn’t know how to open up. Comparison to other men left me feeling inadequate. No matter how hard I worked, I never seemed to measure up.
Rethinking the Old Rules
In recent years, I’ve been re-examining the version of masculinity I inherited. This involves questioning the rules of manhood I absorbed and discerning which still serve me today. It means exploring who I authentically am, beyond tired stereotypes.
I’m realizing that many traditional masculine ideals were more about preserving male power than promoting men’s health. Some norms stem from generations of trauma, hurt people hurting others. They reflect an outmoded culture rather than timeless virtue.
Of course, wisdom from the past offers value too. My goal isn’t to toss everything society has considered “manly.” Certain stoic qualities help me face struggles with courage and perseverance. I still believe in working hard, keeping my word, and providing for loved ones.
But I’m learning to weave those strengths with so-called “feminine” traits like emotional intelligence, vulnerability, and interdependence. This more holistic approach allows me to show up fully and authentically in all areas of life.
Embracing the Full Spectrum
Part of my journey has involved giving myself permission to feel and process the full spectrum of human emotions. For decades, I was told “boys don’t cry” and to “man up.” But allowing myself to be sad, scared, hurt, worried, or vulnerable has not made me any less of a man. Just the opposite - it has made me a fuller person.
I’m also realizing asking for help when struggling does not mean I’ve failed. Relying on trusted mentors and friends, or seeking counseling when depressed, has taken more courage than denying I need support. It has expanded my capacity as a partner, father, and leader.
While expanding beyond restrictive norms, I’m learning to offer myself grace. There is power in self-compassion, speaking to myself as I would a close friend. Humans are complex, our journeys nonlinear. Masculinity is not all or nothing - it’s a nuanced spectrum we each navigate in our own way.
Creating New Models
Redefining manhood has sometimes felt lonely, lacking role models. But gradually, more men are questioning outdated expectations and forging new paths. Dialogue around healthy masculinity continues to grow through books, podcasts, men’s groups, and everyday conversation.
Of course, women have experienced their own narrow gender roles and have advocated expanding human potential beyond binaries for decades. My hope is that as men embrace broader ways of being, it will relieve pressure on everyone. We all stand to benefit from inclusive definitions of masculinity focused on our shared humanity.
This journey is still unfolding for me. There are setbacks and moments of doubt. But when I stay centered in my true self - my values, passions, and wholeness - the path ahead seems clearer. I feel freer to live and love boldly, contribute meaningfully, and model the qualities I hope to see in my sons.
Rather than constantly trying to prove my manhood, today I’m focused on a simpler question - am I living as the man I want to be? For me, that is a man who lives with purpose, vulnerability, humor, compassion, strength, and love. What about you - what kind of man do you aspire to be?
