Nov. 15, 2022

6 Ways To Stop Being A People Pleaser So You Can Live The Life You Want Instead Of The Life You Think You Should Live

6 Ways To Stop Being A People Pleaser So You Can Live The Life You Want Instead Of The Life You Think You Should Live

Our guest is Tracy Secombe, author of From People Pleaser to Soul Pleaser.


About This Episode

What if you could create a life that you love? Better yet, what if you could learn to do this by tuning into who you truly are, instead of looking outside of yourself for approval? Your life is not your own if you always care what others think. When you truly know to your core that you are here to be the highest version of yourself and that you are the one who gets to define what that is, the pressure is off. Life is completely up to you. It’s now your game. You get to choose. You are free. 

Tracy Secombe has helped thousands of people pleasers to become Soul Pleasers® after experiencing chronic burnout from chasing recognition her entire life. By following her six simply explained steps, you will remember your true essence of joy and be who you want to be so you can relish in wonderful relationships, health, abundance, and fulfillment. Tracy can help to unlock who you are meant to be.



In this episode of The Fit Mess we discuss:

  • How to help others without sacrificing your own wellbeing 
  • Your natural ability to share what’s true for you without offending others 
  • What you really love and want to do with life and how to gain the confidence to pursue it 
  • How to finally love yourself no matter what and set that example for your children 

Don’t let the conversation end there. Join us in our Facebook Group where you and fellow Fit Mess listeners can connect for monthly challenges, accountability to reach your goals, and a supportive community. 

Like this show? Please leave us a review here – even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!

Resources:

Get your Free One Year Supply of Vitamin D + 5 Travel Packs from Athletic Greens!

Get Tracys' book here: From People Pleaser to Soul Pleaser  

You can download Tracy’s free 60-second emotion switch here: https://go.soulpleaser.com/optin 

Join the Soul Pleaser community here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/soulpleaser 

Learn more about Tracy’s coaching services here: https://www.tracysecombe.com 

Contact Us

If you enjoyed this episode, check out:

How To Live Your Most Authentic Life Through The Power Of Surrender With Kute Blackson

Transcript

[00:00:00] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: Coming up today on the Fit Mess.

[00:00:01] Interview-Tracey Secombe - USB: It's not that we don't love ourselves, it's that we are not being ourselves. When you are being your true self, there's nothing not to love.

[00:00:09] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: This is the fitness. We're together. We learn to develop habits that help us live beyond our mental health struggles to create happier, healthier lives.

[00:00:17] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: He's Zach. He lives in the future with his.

[00:00:19] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: He's Jeremy and he lives in the past with his depression , and we get together once a week in the present to share the obstacles we face and how we overcome them.

[00:00:28] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: And this week that obstacle is the nasty habit of people pleasing. Why it's something you should stop doing and how you can become a soul pleaser instead.

[00:00:37] Jeremy: I quickly wanna mention our sponsor Athletic Greens. If you wanna empty that overflowing cabinet full of vitamins and replace them with one great tasting drink, then order Athletic Greens now. So you can not only give your body what it needs to thrive, but we'll give you a free year supply of immune supporting vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. The link to try it out is in the show notes for this episode@thefitmess.com 

[00:00:58] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: All right. Well as we'll get into here in the interview in just a minute, people pleasing is something that I've done for a long, long time, and I even caught myself doing it at a, at a wellness retreat that I went to recently where the whole point , of the retreat is physical movement, right? To move whatever stored traumatic energies in your body to move it out.

[00:01:17] And for whatever reason in my life, dancing keeps coming. I do not enjoy dancing. There's no part of it that I want, to participate in. It does not bring me joy. It makes me uncomfortable and, and, uh, angry. I don't wanna do it. I don't wanna dance. It's not my thing. And so in the middle of this retreat, I actually was, it's, it's a weird thing for me to be at a place where like, my life's pretty good.

[00:01:40] No real complaints. No, no, you know, shadows chasing me that are, that need to be dealt with. I'm in kind of a good spot. And so the facilitator was like, Well, it doesn't all have to be bad stuff. Let's, let's move that, that happiness through your body. Let's feel that. I'm like, Okay, but what does that look like?

[00:01:55] And of course it all circled back to, well, then you need to dance. 

[00:01:59] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: Just for reference though, I would've said F I'm outta here at that point.

[00:02:04] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: I was tempted. I was really tempted. But the thing is, Part of me felt like, Okay, well now I've gotta perform, right? I've, this is what's being asked of me in order to make everyone happy, in order to play by the rules, I better start figuring out some way to move my body and start dancing. And I couldn't, I couldn't find it.

[00:02:22] Like, it's just not me. Like they, they had me doing different things and I was like, That's just, it's just not me. And so, you know, I, I did what I could to get through that exercise and, faked my way through some way to not dance and whatever got through it. But it was, it was in the day or two after that, I, I kept thinking about like, what is it about me that, like, I couldn't just say, I'm not doing that.

[00:02:44] That's not me. And I know what it was. It's, it's my need to be accepted, my, my need to be acknowledged by others and, and to make everyone happy and perform. I've gotta, I've gotta do whatever's going to win them. So that I can feel good about myself. And that's the thing that I think is so interesting about people pleasing, is that it is an incredibly selfish act because you're, you're craving acceptance, you're craving the validation and love of someone else.

[00:03:09] So you can somehow, uh, you know, hate yourself just a little bit less.

[00:03:13] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: Yeah, so I, I, I've got, I want to get out this like super creative and very intelligent and funny, , language to soothe you, to acknowledge you, to make you feel better so that you can acknowledge me and make me feel better. And then, and then we're, we're gonna be okay.

[00:03:31] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: Right. That's, that's the only way I can operate in this relationship is that if I can prove that you like me, because then that proves that I'm likable because I'm not gonna like myself,

[00:03:38] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: but I'm only gonna say things to you that makes you like me. , So this is great. This is just gonna be awesome.

[00:03:44] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: right. 

[00:03:45] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: But seriously enough. Enough about you. Let's talk about me. Um,

[00:03:49] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: I've, I've said enough things to make you smile and nod and acknowledge me. I feel good about myself. I feel validated. Your turn, Zach.

[00:03:54] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: Uh, no. Seriously though, like this, I think this has been my, my lifelong struggle. , and I really do equate it back to , my mother, , you know, not being there, like never getting that, , You know, I'm proud of you. Like that acknowledgement from my mother and never getting an acknowledgement from my dad until I literally was in handcuffs and he was like, Hey, you do know I love you even though I called the cops on you.

[00:04:19] Right,

[00:04:20] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: Yeah, that's the good, That's a good time to do it. That's when

[00:04:22] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: Right. So, like, you know, my people pleasing has, , stemmed , from multiple sources and. , morphed over the years, but I, I go all the way back to, , one of the stories that we told in, I think episode number one of this show where like, I was always looking for that external stuff, , like bigger job better or bigger house, better job, nicer car, because all of those things would, , make people think differently of me and all that.

[00:04:49] And, and I, I think I, you know, I didn't call it soul pleaser at the. , but I had this moment of clarity where I was like, I need to look inside and make the inside happy. And make the inside. Okay. And I need to love the inside and fuck all this external noise and like what people think of me, to which, you know, it's still there to some extent, but it was this amazing moment of transformation for me that like, you know, when we did this interview, I was just like reflecting the whole time of like, yeah, no, this is, this is some powerful shit, right.

[00:05:23] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: And so, uh, my situation, like yours, I think stems from, , uh, childhood issues , and constantly trying to either be completely unseen. Or to try and win over some validation, win over some, some love from someone else. And I think that's where that people pleasing comes from. I think our guest would agree.

[00:05:38] Her name is Tracy Seum and she is the author of the book from People Pleaser to Soul Pleaser, We started the conversation by talking about how she herself went from being a people pleaser to a soul pleaser.

[00:05:50] Interview-Tracey Secombe - USB: So I, , was actually a physiotherapist for 30 years and I ended up selling my business back in 2017, following my mum, passing away in 2016.

[00:06:03] And as a result of that, I founded so pleaser because. I experienced that I went from being a people pleaser to a soul pleaser in my journey, following my mom's passing, and in her honor, really, because she was a serial people pleaser, and I think it really led to her demise. So in the last seven years, I've been coaching people through the program from people pleaser to soul pleaser.

[00:06:27] And then this year I launched and unpublished the book.

[00:06:32] Interview-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: Uh, as a lifelong people pleaser myself, that term I'm very familiar with. But tell me more about Soul Pleaser and, uh, what the difference is between the two.

[00:06:41] Interview-Tracey Secombe - USB: Oh yeah, great question. So yeah, I think it's, , people can think that giving up people pleasing would be selfish. And I think that it could be if it turned into ego pleasing. Um, but what I would say about soul pleasing is that I feel like it's our purpose to remember who we are. Remember that we have a soul and to.

[00:07:02] Tune into that and become aligned with that and be guided by our souls. I think when you're a people pleaser, sometimes your life is actually influenced by others, and so you can end up off track, off of your soul's path, and so as a soul pleaser, you are tuned into your soul. You know who you are, you love who you are.

[00:07:21] You're happy to be yourself, and therefore, with that self confidence and knowing that you are unconditionally loved by your soul or whatever other word you prefer, you can live the life that you choose rather than the one you think you should live.

[00:07:35] Interview-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: While I, I, I think of myself as a people pleaser. I think my motivations are selfish. I think that I'm very much, uh, always wanting to make sure everyone loves me, make sure that I'm not, I'm not rocking the bo so it's not necessarily making sure everyone else's cup is full.

[00:07:49] It's making sure that, that my cup is full by making sure everyone else is cup cup's fault. Does that make sense? And,

[00:07:54] Interview-Tracey Secombe - USB: Yeah, absolutely. And that is the problem with people pleasing. You know, there's nothing wrong with pleasing other people. I think it's our true essence to want to help people, but I think as a people pleaser, we are doing it for our own needs. Which is you wanna be appreciated, liked, validated, respected, and all of that is because of your self worth needing that validation from outside of yourself.

[00:08:19] But when you, when you reconnect with your soul, you don't need that anymore. So you can still give, but it comes from a place that's not neediness. It's just pure love and just pure giving. Imagine that the, the love carry you carried around with you inside. So I have, I have a lot of questions what are some of the first steps you would have to take to like recognize that you're a people pleaser and, and moving over into that other side?

[00:08:47] Um, because I very much want to be more on that other side of, as a soul pleaser. So what I would say is just notice how emotionally stable you are as, as a people pleaser. You're gonna be very dependent on other people on, on how you're gonna feel. So say for example, you have a family, if you are. Children are sad.

[00:09:11] You'll be sad. Um, if your husband's in a bad mood or your wife's in a bad mood, then you will be triggered by that. So your emotions are quite dependent on other people's emotions, and that's a rollercoaster. Like if you're gonna allow everybody else's emotions to control yours, then you're just always gonna be all over the place and have no stability.

[00:09:30] You need feedback. So you notice that if you do something well, you're happy. If you make a mistake, you're not. So people pleasers are often perfectionists as well, so they can't accept getting it wrong. , it's great to be a high achiever, but there's a difference between being a high achiever. And a perfectionist, a high achiever can miss the mark and be okay with it and soldier on, whereas a perfectionist can be devastated for not reaching that high goal.

[00:09:56] And so it's just really tuning in. When you feel a negative emotion, Ask yourself, what is this about? What's triggered this? And if it is in response to either you not being good enough, in some way, you beating yourself up or you responding to other people's reaction to you, then that would give you the hint that you might be a bit of a people please.

[00:10:17] Mm-hmm.

[00:10:18] Interview-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: Zach, uh, talks a lot about, he's, he's a big proponent of curiosity, right? When those, when those feelings come up, look at it really close, where is it coming from? Getting to the root of it. So that absolutely, uh, makes a lot of sense with something we talk about a lot here. So what's the next step? I've identified it, you know, it's everyone's emotions around me are out of control.

[00:10:35] That sends me in a spiral. So what do I do to take back control? How do I, how do I turn that awareness into action?

[00:10:42] Interview-Tracey Secombe - USB: Yeah, so once you're aware that I might be a people pleaser, then I think you need to understand the root cause of being a people pleaser. And it really is that somewhere along the line in your past, you found it easier to live your life. If. You kept other people happy. , and it's not about blame. It's often passed on through centuries, really.

[00:11:03] So if your mom was a people pleaser, for example, you tried to please her. Same with her and her mum, et cetera. , and so it's just realizing that you need that validation because you don't solidly know who you. What you stand for, what you're about, what your priorities are, your values are, and you just accept yourself fully.

[00:11:25] I think that freedom is knowing who you are and being who you are, and it gives the freedom to people around you to be the same if you can be like that. Being a people pleaser is actually, Not that nice for other people. We think that we are really nice when we're people pleasers, but that energy is actually quite needy and can be exhausting for other people as well.

[00:11:46] So once you know that you're a people pleaser, then you're aware this is a self worth issue. Then it's all about doing what it takes to feel better about yourself, and you've gotta just start small depending on how strong that is for you, and really celebrate your wins. And just be quicker to overcome things that you judge about yourself.

[00:12:08] You've gotta just talk yourself off the ledge. You've gotta be your own cheerleader so that you can start to see how wonderful you are and not compare yourself to other people. To just follow up on that, , I know for me in the past there was a lot of voices in my head telling me the exact opposite of, of what I was trying to do and love myself and be respectful of myself and things like that.

[00:12:31] , how would one go about, , quieting those voices? Is it, is it. I love myself Louder than those voices? Or is it getting rid of those voices? , how would someone handle that? Yeah. That's such a great question. Well, I, I know that you guys both enjoy, , meditation and I think that it's really important to be able to connect to the truth of who we are.

[00:12:52] And I actually think that's the purpose of meditation when we can even. Second of stillness. In that moment, we have that freedom from that inner critic and from that negative voice. And so it really depends on how bad things are for you. So before Mum died and I was in burnout, I was running three businesses just trying to keep everyone happy and had totally lost myself.

[00:13:18] I was a complete overthinker, and so it wasn't. How critical the thoughts were. It was how fast they were and how constant they were. And I think that that is really exhausting. And so I never took any time out. I worked from the minute I woke up to the minute I went to sleep. And so if you can make the first step something that brings you a little bit of peace of.

[00:13:43] Or even just relief. So it can be an action if you can't focus straight on the thoughts because they just have too much momentum and too much speed up, and you just feel like you can't control them. I would do something like, take your shoes and socks off and go and put your feet in sand or dirt or, , Go and look at a, a tree or if you've got access to a beach or look at a photo of a, a loved one or a pet or anything at all that can actually distract you.

[00:14:13] , if you can try some meditation, you know, there are so many ways that you can start, but anything that gives you that feeling of relief so that you can have some space from that. The thing about shouting I love myself more is that if you don't believe it, the reaction. To you saying that like that's rubbish is actually gonna be more powerful than the affirmation.

[00:14:35] So I think you have to say things that you are open to believing. Like I know deep down that I am better than I say I am, and I'm willing to start to explore that. So I just think you have to be very honest with yourself about what you would like to experience, even if you don't really believe it yet.

[00:14:54] Interview-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: Okay, so that's interesting because that's come up a couple of times, uh, on the show and just in some work I've been. And there seems to be in just some recent conversations, I've had some conflicting opinions about sort of, sort of the fake it till you make it, be it till you see it sort of thing. And. in one conversation, particularly they were saying that that can actually be damaging because you, you sort of create these two identities that are constantly in conflict, and so you've got the one voice that you've probably believed since you were a child because of the things you heard your parents say about themselves and about you that inform that you are worthless.

[00:15:26] You're never gonna be anything. Everything's, everything you touch is gonna fall to pieces, and then there's this new voice you're trying to put and say, No, everything's great. I, I got this. No, no challenge. I can't, I love me and this is gonna be great. I mean, I'm learning for, and just from my own experience where those voices came from, I've been literally hearing them out loud and figuring out where they came from.

[00:15:49] And I'm trying to replace them with the new ones that say, No, you're okay. You're, you're worthy of love and this is all gonna be fine. But can it be damaging to, to sort of, It's exhausting, I'll tell you that. It's exhausting going back and forth, just having conversations, trying to figure out the right thing to say, and hoping that that person believes me and hoping that I believe me, and that everything matches up and that everyone's happy.

[00:16:11] It's exhausting. Even just even trying to phrase this question, I'm going through some of it right now. So, so walk me through that. How do I, how do I start to believe the new voices and ignore the old.

[00:16:23] Interview-Tracey Secombe - USB: Yeah, such a good question. I think that you have to remember that the emotion is more important than the words. You can't fake your emotions, so you can say, I love myself and feel sick while you're saying it. And it's not gonna work. And so I think the key to understand is that the nirvana is rediscovering who you really are, which is an aspect of divinity, love God, all that is.

[00:16:52] And that to be aligned with that and to be able to feel that, you have to feel the way your. Or spirit feels, which is good that that is the vibration of your soul. So for you to align with that, it's about the feeling. And so if we put more emphasis on feeling rather than words, then we can find whatever causes us to feel better.

[00:17:17] Um, and sometimes, you know, it might just be, you know, breath. Rather than affirmations. And as you do that and you start to feel more relaxed, you naturally start to think better. So it's reversing it. I actually believe that we receive thoughts. So if you're in the habit of thinking. I'm rubbish. Then you are on a vibration of feeling bad about yourself.

[00:17:43] So that attracts another thought that makes you feel bad about yourself. So if you could feel good about anything, I think if you have low self worth and you're a people pleaser trying to feel good about yourself, you're actually starting at the top of the mountain instead of the bottom. So feel good about something that's easy to feel good.

[00:18:00] Which may not be you. And then when you are feeling good, you are more likely to attract more and more thoughts that feel the same way as that, and they could start to include some things about yourself. So I have, you know, 43 years of. Life programmed into me and the voices in my head are a certain way.

[00:18:21] And, you know, I can combat them in, in some way, shape, or form, , and successfully. Right. And I, and it can be done. I know it can be done. , I would love to hear your thoughts on our children. So specifically, like I have an 11 year old daughter who is moldable from, you know, like the voices that are in her head at this point in time.

[00:18:42] Social media and like the world is different than it was when I grew up, and like that negative voice I feel like is so much more programmatic and so much more powerful into our kids' lives. So how can we. Get ahead of that now as parents to help our children not have these issues going forward.

[00:19:02] Yeah, fantastic. Christian, I have three children as well, so I've really noticed the transition when I went from people Please to Soul Pleaser. I've really seen that flow and effect with my children, and it's because of my modeling. The most important thing you do as a parent is model. We really, I think have a bit of a skewed idea about our role as a parent.

[00:19:24] I think that we think we have so much more control than we do, and I think that

[00:19:29] it. 

[00:19:29] Interview-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: have some control Where? How'd you figure that out?

[00:19:32] Interview-Tracey Secombe - USB: Yeah. The sooner you realize you don't, the better. Um, but that's the way it's meant to be. I mean, love is freedom. And if we really love our children, we will allow them to discover their own path, and that will include them, you know, falling over and grazing their knee. And so if we can just love them with the least amount of conditions possible, because that's really how we got into this mess, is the human experience is for us to be conditional.

[00:20:01] So we love others conditionally because we love ourselves conditionally. So we feel good about ourselves when we do things right, and so therefore, we. Show more love to a child, or for example, when they get things right. And so we are just self perpetuating that and passing that on. And so if we can allow them to mess up, allow them to make mistakes, let them let that be okay and let them find their own way.

[00:20:28] I mean, we're basically there to make sure they don't get run over by a car and that they stay alive and eat. But apart from that, if we can let them have their own consequences and learn from them, and meanwhile, What we model is steadiness in our emotions. So what I always say to people is get on a high vibration as high as you can, and feel as good as you can before you give your child advice so that it's inspired advice rather than coming from your fear, like your fear of social media, you know?

[00:20:59] Mm-hmm. . That is a reality that our kids are living with, and so if we are fearful of it, then we can just really wrap them up in cotton wool and try to. Over parent them because we love them. But I think the best love that we can give to them is to allow them to find their own path and, and just demonstrate love to them.

[00:21:20] Interview-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: So whether we're guiding them or still guiding ourselves, Later in our

[00:21:24] Interview-Tracey Secombe - USB: Yeah. We're really doing both at the same time. So, you know, our growth is the best thing we can give them is us improving ourselves.

[00:21:32] Interview-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: that's very true. I, I like, I like the way you said that. so I know there are six simple steps to get all this under, under control. I perhaps we've touched on some of them here, but if you could sort of spell it out for us so we know how to take some, some practical, uh, steps and, and start taking action to start pleasing our own souls instead of trying to please everyone else.

[00:21:49] Interview-Tracey Secombe - USB: Yeah, great. So the first one is wake up. So we have to be aware. So a lot of people who have worked with me said, I would never have actually said I was a people pleaser until I did step one, and then I was like, Wow, I'm such a people pleaser. So, you know, it's, it's not labeling yourself for the sake of it, it's.

[00:22:06] The purpose is so that you can do something about it and you will keep pleasing people. I think people are so afraid, Oh, I don't wanna stop pleasing people. Well, you just naturally will because when you're joyful, that is the best way for other people to feel happy is just because your joy flows over to them, rather than you trying really hard to make them happy.

[00:22:25] That actually doesn't work. So that awareness, we go. I just basically am very vulnerable in step one and share. I thought I was like the biggest people pleaser on the planet , and I actually thought maybe no one else would get it, but I've been amazed to see that so many other people have experienced the same things as me.

[00:22:44] So I go through every sign and symptom that I experienced all the. Crazy things. And I thought in particular as a people pleaser, like for example, rocking up at school. So I, I was bullied, um, in high school. And so then when I rocked up as a mother at school, I was afraid of the other mothers, you know, like I was back to, they don't like me because it was just, you know, from the past where, where kids were, the way kids can be.

[00:23:10] Um, step two is surrender. To me, surrender is actually what personal growth is. So we think that it's adding on, but it's not, It's actually taking off. So if we can shed those limiting beliefs, shed those ideas that don't feel good. What we find within us is the truth of who we are, which is this bright, shining happy light that you see in little children.

[00:23:36] And that comes back when we shed the layers. So there's all sorts of surrendering to do. So the big thing I have to say to the people, please are perfectionist, is don't get stuck in step two until you think you've finished it. Just l understand it. Move on to step three, Get the whole context and surrender is a lifelong process. Um, step three. Follow your signs. When we're aligned with our souls, life becomes serendipitous. We are just in the right place at the right time because we feel guided by those impulses rather than doing what we think we should do or what we think will make other people happy. And that is the big shift because then you really live the life you're here to live.

[00:24:19] By your soul's guidance rather than what you think you should do and what you think other people want. And then step four is my absolute favorite, which is discover you discovering who you really are. I think some people have forgotten who they are, even if they've been brought up with religion. They think that God is outside of them and that.

[00:24:38] Somehow they have to be a good girl or boy to get to heaven and all those sorts of stories. And that just is another thing. You know, in the book I talk about, I realize that I was not just people pleasing. I thought I was God pleasing because I was so fearful I'd go to hell if I didn't get it all right.

[00:24:56] You know? And, and be perfect and good. , and so when you discover the truth of who you are, that's when you love. It's not that we don't love ourselves, it's that we are not being ourselves. When you are being your true self, there's nothing not to love. Then step five is be you. So once you know who you are, you start to show up as that more and more.

[00:25:17] And then step six is experience bliss because you realize that higher and higher levels of joy are available to you once you tap into it. Hmm. I, I, I have, I have so many questions on this. Um, I wanna, I wanna ask a little bit more detail about number two, uh, surrendering. you know, as a guy, this is something that comes unnatural to a guy. I'm probably, I'm sure it's, it's both male and female, comes very unnatural too. How do you coach people through that when they're having such a difficult time?

[00:25:50] Because I know me personally, This was like a year's long process of being okay with surrender. So how do you coach somebody through this in a relatively short period of time? Yeah. Well first of all, I don't have any attachment to time and I really encourage the people that I work with not to as well.

[00:26:09] So when people do my program, it's actually 12 months, because. It's usually years, years and years of conditioning. People are usually about over 30 when they're working with me. And so, , that's the first thing and I really encourage them to trust that the mere fact that they're even .

[00:26:27] Interested in surrendering means that it will happen bit by bit and you'll surrender the things that are easier to surrender first. You know, people sometimes wanna jump in and let go of the really hard thing that they've been holding onto for years. Like, for example, resentment towards someone you know that they know that's their block and that's where they wanna go straight away.

[00:26:48] But it's easier to learn anything if you start with the white belt before the black belt. So just let go of the easy things like attachment to. You know, your husband, where he puts the keys when he gets home. You know, like attachment to tiny things that we let upset us, Surrender them first. You know, so that you go, I can surrender.

[00:27:10] I've just shown myself that I can surrender something. Because that is what happens is we're attached to certain things we depend on something to be a certain way for us to be. and that's what stops us from being happy. If we can just notice them one by one and go, I don't need that to change to be happy.

[00:27:28] It doesn't mean that it won't change. This is why people are afraid to let go of it cuz they think if I accept it, it will never change. And as you both probably know through your own work, that's not true. Acceptance is the first step and that's how it will change.

[00:27:42] Interview-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: Yeah. Uh, we have just a couple of minutes left. So I'm, I'll ask you one more, , about Discover You. Does you change.

[00:27:50] Interview-Tracey Secombe - USB: Yes, Yes. So you discover the universal truth of who you are, which is a soul having a physical experience, and you are creative and can be, do, and have anything you choose, and then you choose. And you become the person you love being based on your unique desires and your unique joys. So whatever lights you up, you feel guided towards that and you just do more and more of it.

[00:28:15] Interview-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: All, all of this is just reminding me, I, I heard an expression on another show recently and it was basically somebody talking about I've, I've white knuckled my way through my entire life, and somebody finally told me, Loosen your hands and open them to receive and everything that you're working so hard and hanging on so tight for will suddenly appear in your hands.

[00:28:34] Interview-Tracey Secombe - USB: Yes, that sums it up perfectly. That is definitely the transition of people pleaser to soul please.

[00:28:39] Interview-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: That's beautiful. Where can we learn more about you and your work and find out more about your coaching program?

[00:28:44] Interview-Tracey Secombe - USB: So my website, which is my name, tracy sicom.com, um, and lots of freebies on there, as well as information about my coaching services and my book.

[00:28:53] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: Our thanks to Tracy Sicom, author of From People Pleaser to Soul Pleaser. You can find links to her and her work in the show notes for this episode@thefitmess.com. I cannot stress how important surrender is. I mean, for me personally, this has been one of. game changing moments in my life. , I really loved your analogy, you know, white knuckling it and you know, like letting that go, , and opening your hands like, it's so true.

[00:29:22] Like, you, you take that resistance out of it and shit just falls into place sometimes.

[00:29:27] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: and I have, I, I wanna say sympathy for people that do that, but I mean, I'm, I'm including myself very much in that because it's only very recently where I feel like I've been able to let go of the wheel because when a lot of things in your life are all out of control, seemingly at the same time, It's so instinctive, instinctual, what's the word?

[00:29:46] What doesn't matter. Whatever it is. You want to grab the wheel, you wanna hold on tight, and you wanna just turn that thing wherever it needs to go because you're so scared. You're so scared of it ending horribly when, when the inevitable crash of that journey happens. So the idea of, hey, you don't really know what's going on in your life.

[00:30:05] Things are kind of crazy. It's hard to keep up with the bills and your schedule on time and keep everything, you know, running the way it's supposed to. The idea of just. It's gonna be alright. That's, It's just, it's such a foreign place to go.

[00:30:16] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: I know I had a, a friend a long time ago who would always say it'll work itself out in the end and just continue on with life and like he was so happy and it always worked out in the end and I was so anxious the whole time. I never enjoyed whatever the thing was and he was just, he was just okay all the time.

[00:30:35] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: I do wanna say though, just, you know, to add a little caution, it doesn't mean just like put your feet up and do nothing. Like you still have to take some agency of your life and, and like take action toward the things you care about because if you do just kind of like, eh, whatever, it's gonna be fun. It's not, it's not gonna be fun.

[00:30:52] There, there, there is a balance between still sort of going in a direction and allowing the path to, to reveal itself while you're taking that.

[00:31:01] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: Yep. But while you're doing that though, discovering who you are and figuring out who you are, like truly who you are, because I know for me, I didn't quite know who I was. I thought I knew who I was, but it was totally different. , so, you know, having that journey, that discovery of, , who we truly are, who's behind the eyeballs, as opposed to what's in the mirror when you look at.

[00:31:24] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: And that takes a lot of looking inside and, and questioning your beliefs and questioning the stories and all the things that you've told yourself and why you're so anxious to make everyone else so happy All the. , those kinds of things really reveal themself when you start looking inwardly and figuring out what's going on, , on the inside.

[00:31:41] And part of that journey too is, like I said, when you're on that path saying yes to the opportunities, there are going to be challenges, there are gonna be opportunities that come up. And the more open you are to pursuing them and saying yes to them, the more I think you'll learn about yourself.

[00:31:56] Because if you constantly say no, and shut down and find reasons not to participate, find reasons not to do the thing, then. I think it just becomes harder to just to discover sort of what your purpose is or what your path is. The one exception I'll make to that is dancing. I absolutely do not endorse dancing.

[00:32:12] If it's not your thing, that's the one place where I'm gonna say, you don't have to do that.

[00:32:16] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: Uh,

[00:32:18] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: and scary roller coasters, also scary roller coasters. Those two things and nothing else.

[00:32:23] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: no. Always do the scary roller coasters. The dancing. I can get behind

[00:32:27] Yana. I will, I will, I will, I will hold the bar up.

[00:32:31] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: Thank you. Thank you for validating my feelings on that.

[00:32:34] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: Yeah, I'm not a dancer, although, , all the yoga I've done over the years though, like I can actually move my hips though,

[00:32:41] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: Oh, but see, but I'm all, Hey, I'll do yoga all day long, but once it becomes dancing, yoga, I'm out. I'm not gonna be there.

[00:32:47] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: Well, no, like I can move my hips, but I like feel, it's like Shakira, that's all it is. Like my arms aren't moving, my legs aren't moving, but I can, I can swing my hips to the beat. Yep.

[00:32:56] Content-Tracey Secombe - Mic 1: Oh, I hope we get to see a video of that soon. All right, Well that's gonna do it for this episode . , don't let the conversation end there though. We'd love to have you in our Facebook group where you and fellow fitness listeners can connect for challenges, accountability, and just a, a great community full of people on a similar path.

[00:33:10] We'd love to have you there. Please join us. The link is in the show notes for this episode@thefema.com, where we will be back next week with a brand new episode. Thanks for listening.

[00:33:19] Content-Tracey Secombe - USB: See everyone. 

Tracy Secombe Profile Photo

Tracy Secombe

Author

Tracy grew up in Pt Lincoln in South Australia – a seaside country town, with her entrepreneur father
and registered nurse mother, where she discovered physiotherapy through work experience in year
10.
She set her sights on this career and won a scholarship to complete her High School years at
Immanuel College in Adelaide, South Australia. During her 2 years at Immanuel, her family adopted
her two sisters from Korea, making Tracy the eldest of 5 children. She spent a year in Crowley, Texas
as an exchange student before completing a Bachelor of Science in Physiotherapy at The University
of SA.
Tracy ran her first two businesses during her years at University with her brother Craig - first the year
12 school jumper business - an idea her and her Dad Kevin brought home with them from the US,
and the second a Newsagency.
After 7 years working in private practice as a physiotherapist, Tracy won the positions of Miss SA,
Miss SA Fundraiser and Miss Australia 1997, leading to a full time ambassador role travelling
Australia to promote the work of The Spastic Centres of Australia. During this year, Tracy met her
Irish husband Damien who was travelling the world on a motorbike with his friend. They had their
first daughter Aine in 1998, second daughter Ciara in 1999, and their son Teagan in 2005.
Near the end of her pregnancy with Ciara, Tracy was unable to walk so used her sedentary time to
complete a Diploma in Journalism and started her third business venture “Child Share Care”.
From the time Tracy started her studies as a physiotherapist she had a strong desire to empower
people to prevent and treat their own injuries. As a result, Tracy founded Safe Work Practice 3
months before embarking on her Miss Australia tour and continued to run this business with her
good friend and fellow physiotherapist Mary Hill, until they sold it in February 2017.
In 2011/2012 Tracy was became as “Thinking into Results” facilitator through the Proctor Gallagher
Institute and began her coaching business, Potential Realized.
In 2016 when Tracy’s beloved mother passed away, she was reminded of the importance of making
time for herself and her family and consolidated from running three businesses to launching Soul
Pleaser. Her mission is to help people know that they are enough without the need for approval
from others, so that they can be who they are here to be and make the difference they are here to
make. She does this through her book, From People Pleaser to Soul Pleaser, online programs, coaching, retreats, books and public speaking.